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Cooking 101…

Originally posted on MySpace

I have never been one to aspire to learning to cook. More to the point, had I not been blessed in life with romantic partners who were exceptional cooks, I would have probably starved to death years ago. One of the few things that I do cook is hashbrowns from scratch, and I gotta tell ya, I make some pretty mean hashbrowns.

Today I hear the lake calling my name, and it appears to be a great day to spend in the water. See you at the lake.

Codependency…

Originally posted on MySpace

Not too long ago I stated to a good friend that although I became codependent in my relationship with Heather, I had never been codependent before….

My first real employment was at Seahawk Seafoods in Valdez, Alaska.  Still a young boy, that fish processing plant was where I molded my work ethics.  My first day of work at Seahawk began on the processing floor.  I was a ‘Slimer’. In the fish world this was the lowest rung on the corporate ladder.  Slimers stood against a tank overflowing with freezing cold water and filled with gutted salmon.  The Slimer’s job was to gently remove the membrane inside the gutted fish and remove the ‘blood balls’, which are small sacks of blood just below the salmon’s gills.  I hated it.  For 12-15 hrs. a day I stood against that tank, cold and miserable. Yet I did my best not to show it and worked as hard as I could.

Someone must have noticed this because after a few weeks I was told that I was now a ‘Scaler’ on the Packing crew.  As a Scaler I stood against a table, again filled with fish, but this time the fish were frozen and individually sleeved.  My job was to put these fish into 50 lb. boxes, switching fish in and out of the box until it weighed between 49.5 and 50.5 lbs.  I had fould my calling in this fish plant world.  I excelled quickly and was soon the fastest Scaler on the Packing crew, my supervisors noticed, and in my mind this made me indespensable.

My view of the corporate world began during those 12-15 hr. days on the Packing floor.  The Packing crew consisted of 20-25 workers, two or three Leads and one Foreman.  Each of us on the floor were expected to, and usually did, give our all.  Yet from my point of view, the packing Leads and even the Foreman had it much easier.  They could roam the floor, not confined to a set location.  They had the responsibility of manipulating the overall flow; moving a Scaler up to Sleeve, sending another ‘Feeder’ up to the front of the line when fish were coming too slowly.  This looked much more exciting to me than my current Scaling position.

At the start of my second season at Seahawk I was given the ‘Box Loft’ Lead position.  I had earned it.  With this position came the responsibiltiy of a small crew, 3-4 workers.  Again I excelled, and again my supervisors noticed.  Throughout the next two seasons I was promoted to the Grading Lead position, the Packing Lead position and ultimately the Packing Foreman position.  My overall goals at Seahawk Seafoods were to show my supervisors that I was capable, that I could do whatever was asked, that I was an asset and was needed.

I have shown the same behavior in all employment since Seahawk.  At Dynic I moved up to the Production Supervisor position.  At Stream I became a Lead Mentor.  This behavior has now spilled into my schooling, where I have impressed the faculty to the point of being asked if I wanted to be employed by the school.  It has never occured to me that this behavior was wrong or unhealthy in any way.  Early on I had learned that impressing those you work for was the means to moving up the corporate ladder.  In reality I was doing much more than that.  I was creating a codependant relationship with my employer.  I was creating a situation where I was needed and indispensable.  And I now realize that I use this form of codependancy, this manipulating behavior in my everyday life.

Sure my relationship with Heather had many problems.  Sure there were many factors which helped aid me in becoming codependent in my relationship with her, many of them created by her.  But even though I am unable to label any of my prior relationships as codependant, after all this thought I can now admit that codependent behavior, the process of creating a situation where I am needed and, at least in my own mind, indispensable was already an ingrained part of me.

Christopher’s last week…

Originally posted on MySpace

Last summer Christopher was terrible, constantly whinning to try to get his way. He acted much like a spoiled brat. This summer he has been wonderful, he is growing into a great young man and I am very proud of him.

This coming week will be Christopher’s last week here with his dad. I really feel bad that I have been so busy this summer with school. When I wasn’t at school I was at my internship or I had my nose embeded in my Math book.

Sure we spent quite a lot of time together at the lake, and we rode our bikes around Chewelah on multiple occations. Yet, as a 9 year old boy, 10 in less than a month, he really deserved to have more quality time with his dad than what he received. I am taking next summer off, I can’t afford to miss out.

WSU transfer date extended…

Originally posted on MySpace

The other day I sent off my transcript to WSU along with a schedule of the classes I will be taking in the future. Today I received a reply. After going over it thoroughly, it looks like I will have more than just the antisipated three quarters of pre-requisites before I transfer to WSU. This will also extend the length of schooling that I still have to complete by at least a year. Not Fun : (

Positive or Negative?

Originally posted on MySpace

I don’t suppose I could write anything more profound than my last couple of entries, but let’s try. My last post was about problem solving, and I concluded that the type of person I am is one that likes to solve problems. I ended that entry stating that when it comes to attempting to solve problems that reside inside of me, I sometimes fail. This statement encompasses a few specifics, and doesn’t include many possitive qualities and characteristics.

Why dwell on the negative? Why not write about my possitive aspects, about internal struggles that I have ultimately overcame? Why not paint an extravagant portrait of myself here, using only colors from my possitive characteristics pallet? Colors which cast me in a wonderful light?

Well, possitive aspects don’t need to be fixed. I am writing these entries to help sort through my current state, as therapy. I truely have many wonderful qualities, and they will find their way to this canvas in time. Yet I am not going to feign like I am perfect.

This summer break in school has allowed me time to write, regardless of the topic, and I am greatful for this. The more I write, the more I will grow.

Problem solving…

Originally posted on MySpace

The first step to solving a problem is correctly identifying the problem. Without a clear and concise diagnosis of what needs to be fixed or what needs to change, attempting to fix the problem is ultimately just a shot in the dark. After correctly identifying the problem, the next step is to determine potential solutions that will correct or fix the problem. Depending on the issue at hand, there could be many viable solutions or there could be just one that will solve the problem.

I am a problem solver. I thrive on coming up with solutions to problems. Maybe that is why I enjoy working on computers. When my car has a problem, maybe that is why I have no hesitation to breaking out the manual and tools, determined to find and implement the solution. Maybe that is why I was so obsessed with the Rubik’s Cube in fifth grade, solving it in less than three minutes as a personal best.

Lately I am realizing there is a limit to my problem solving abilities. While this limit more than likely is self-imposed, it still stands as a hurdle I am unable to clear. When it comes to concrete, physically visible problems I excel, able to correctly identify the problem, determine the best solution to the problem, and then implement and correctly solve the problem. When the problem lies inside of me, when the problem is a part of me, I am unable to complete this problem solving process. Correctly identifying what is wrong is not where the process fails. Coming up with the best solution is also not where the process fails. I fail to complete this process when trying to solve a problem that lies inside of me because I am unable, or unwilling to follow through with the determined solution.