The first time around….

The thoughts I express here are not intended to illicit sympathy, nor are they intended for anyone’s benefit but mine.  This is where I am able to get out my current thoughts, worries, hopes, dreams, etc.  This is also where I will be able to bring current problems to light in order to brain-storm and find solutions.  After talking about not eating well in a few of my last posts, I went out and did something about it.  I visited the campus food bank and now have a 13.5 lb. box of food in my car.  After talking about not applying myself to my schooling, last night I stayed up until after 4am studying for my Accounting test which after taking it today I feel confident that I did very well.  Things are never as bad as they could be, and I have so many blessings to be greatful for.  I will not look back on this time in my life and say “If I could just do it all over again.”  There will be no need for I will do it right the first time around.

Stability and Security…

Here it is, 3:14 in the morning, and I am still awake.  I have been studying my Accounting, trying to at least get a passing grade on the test tomorrow.  But yet I am still pondering life, and all that it has yet to provide.  I hate being broke!  I hate having years of schooling still left to go through being broke.  I can’t even afford to eat and I hate it.  I hate not being able to provide for myself, and I hate even more the broke image that I am being perceived as.  I have nothing to provide, not for my family, not for a significant other, not even for friends.  I have nothing!  WTF!?!?  When will this be over?  When will I be stable?  When will I be able to live life?  When will I again be in a position to be wanted?  No one wants to be with a broke college student.  I just want to be stable!!!!  I see no future on the horizon.  WHY???  Why are all these thoughts filling my head?  Stability and Security are what it is all about, and I am perceived as having neither.  I have no stability because the only job I have is my WorkStudy at school, which provides me next to nothing.  I have no security.  This post proves that.   I am not worth investing in at this point.  I hate that!!!!  Why bring my insecurities to light here?  Why not project only the good?  There are many sought after qualities that I hold that could instead be portrayed here.  I am smart!  I am a worthwhile person!  I am a good and caring person!  And yet I am unwanted, single, and hating it.  I have no one pursuing me, again because of my current lack of Stability and Security!  These are requirements!!!  I cannot even begin again until these requirements are fulfilled.  I just want to start life again!  When?!?

YouTube video views soon to reach 1000…

My uploaded videos which I have posted on YouTube are soon to reach 1000 views.

I really wish I had more time to work on these kind of creative works, but as my last post points out I am not really applying my time or efforts to what is really important already.

But getting back to the point, 1000 views!!!  YAH!!!

“When he was lost”…

Definition: F’ing off—Failing to put forth the required time and/or effort, usually referring to something or someone of high importance or worth.

There is a time-period in my life that my mom refers to as “when I was lost”.  This time period began around the time that I was laid off from my technical support job in Portland.  It was then that I lost contact with my family back home and began my long descent.

Since those years I have crawled my way back up, and for the last two years I have put all my efforts into my schooling, doing all I can to better myself and mine and my son’s future.  Until this quarter I have held onto a self-motivated need to excel, carrying an A+ average.

Although my mom would refer to those past years as my “lost years”, now more than ever I feel as though I am lost.  I am currently working very hard at f’ing off all that is important to me.  I am f’ing off my schooling.  Out of my three current classes I will be getting an A in only one of them.  I am f’ing off my friends.  Do I still have any of those?  I am f’ing off my health.  In my current living arrangement I rarely eat a balanced meal.  I am f’ing off my dreams.  If I don’t pull myself out of this downward spiral, all that I have worked for, all that is important to me will no longer be attainable.  I cannot let my life end up that way.  I need to again become “found”.

Quarter is near an end…

Today is Wednesday, the day before Thanksgiving, and I am at the school working.  There are no classes today, but the library is open and I am here to support the computer lab.

Yesterday I expected to be taking another Accounting test, but it was put off until next week, thankfully!  I was not prepared.  In Math yesterday we were given a take-home test for Unit 4.  In looking it over it doesn’t look too tough…  I will go over it and compare my answers with others.   It is due on monday.  Another thing that I will need to get going on is my Econ report.  It is due in two weeks and I haven’t even came up with a topic.  We are to compare the US with another country on an economic issue.  Shouldn’t be too tough, but I will need to devote some time to it.

Well, I better get back to work.

Something for me to ponder….

As I was heading back home from Chewelah the other day, I had an experience that I just have to get out.  Nearing the outskirts of Spokane, I ended up stuck behind a long, slow moving row of cars.  After being hindered at 50 mph for several miles, I immediately kept to the left when a passing lane finally opened up.  There were at least 6 or 7 cars that I ended up passing, and by the time I took the lead I was going well over the speed limit.  As I got ready to return back to the right hand lane, I looked in my rear view mirror and noticed that a few other cars were also passing.  I turned on my turn signal and returned to the right, and as I did another car pulled up next to me.  We were now both speeding well over, well over the speed limit, so I let off the gas and allowed him to pull out in front.

After the car returned to the right lane, now directly in front of me, it immediately started to gradually slow down.  I decided that it would be a good thing to get a bit closer to the legal limit, and began slowing down also.  Yet, when we began driving at a speed near the speed limit I decided that I had had enough, and turned on my turn signal to pull into the passing lane and overtake this jerk.   All of a sudden red and blue lights flashed from his back window, which until now were well concealed.  Wow!

As you would expect, I immediately lost my courage to pass and returned to the right lane.  This cop could have pulled me over and given me a healthy speeding ticket, but instead he chose this tactic.  Honestly I think that what he did was much more effective.  It really gave me a new outlook to ponder.

“You’re the only one…”

A Phil Collins song was playing in the background as I sat waiting for my first class to start this morning.  I can’t seem to recall the name of the song but as I sat there in thought, and long after the song had ended, one line from the song continued to play over and over in my head.  “You’re the only one who really knew me at all.”  After hearing this for the 97th time, I started to apply it to my life, first to my most recent relationships, then family, then life in general.  I saw that although I seem to make an effort to get to know those I come into contact with, it has rarely gone the other way.

Immediate family, my son’s mother and a few select others are all that have attempted to get to know the man that I am.  I have yet to contemplate the ‘why’.  Is this self created?  Is this the ‘norm’?  Am I just wrong and not able to recognize those who might show an interest in getting to know me?  If I am not wrong, then the reason is not because of who I am, or who I believe I am.  I believe I am a kind, caring person.  Although not directly religious, I hold high morals in life.  I live a fairly quiet life, yet I feel it’s not all that boring.  I have lived a middle to low class life, but this does not reflect my intelligence.  I have taken this test several times across a few years time, and each time the result is the same:  INTJ

….and the song continues to play in my head.

ARG….

86%.  That is the best I can get in my ACCT 105 class, a ‘B’, and this is only possible if I get 100% on the next two tests and the final.  That possibility and a current 97% in Math 201, and an 80% or less in ECON 201.  GPA is going down for sure this quarter.

distributed.net

Life!  What a complicated subject….

Years ago, while I worked as a technical support representative for Stream International, I also worked for a non-profit organization called distributed.net.  This was a distributive computing project, in part created by Jeff Lawson, and Nugget. Brute force key cracking was the goal behind the multiple projects of distributed.net. Encryption software companys like RSA Labs would sponsor contests to see if their encryption could be broke, and if it could be broke, how long and how much computing power would it take. The distributed.net History and Timeline can be viewed here. I initially started out just running the distributed.net client which checked several million keys a second using the unused processing power of my PC’s. Later I joined the distributed.net team, creating and updating the help file, and later the install file for the windows client. For a while I also helped out by answering support email. I had a great time with this project, and wish I would not have lost touch with the great and talented people of distributed.net and I am greatful to have had the opportunity to work with them.  One of my posts that I can still find on their website can be viewed here, and my daily stats for one of the projects can be viewed here.